Do I deserve good things? More specifically, do I deserve to Want more? There are two camps of thought on this. One that dismisses these silly questions as a waste of time because, of course, if you value yourself and your needs – you deserve it. It is a non-issue, a weird question to ask, and relegated to those with “issues.” The other (my camp) wrestles with this question on a deep level. It comes up whenever I have a life change, set a new goal, or aim for a higher achievement. Voices from the past, my inner beliefs, and my constant need to keep everyone around me happy and healthy get in the way. If you see yourself in this, then welcome, my fellow traveler.
I should have paid more attention to the question of “deserving.” I was always so low on my totem pole that I did not even think to ask. It was just so far out of my frame of reference. Only a few years ago, when I was introduced to the concept of my limiting beliefs, I started to pay attention to this and get curious about it.
How can I achieve more and want more if I am too afraid to own the fact that I, first of all, deserve it and, second of all, am too scared to verbalize that I want it? Wanting more is sinful right? Selfish? Bad even? There are so many with fewer than me, close loved ones going through difficult situations, and others that don’t seem to ever get on the path toward being okay.
My belief system was built upon the idea that “enough” is what you should aim for in life, and, most importantly, it is all you have the right to want. Anything more is excessive, selfish, and wasteful. How do I circumvent this ingrained way of thinking toward accepting that I am deserving of good things? How do I define those good things if I am scared to voice my wants? Wants are wrong, too, correct? The “wanting culture” has caused so much destruction, so naturally, I must also fit into this category?
I always felt that my right to deserve things solely depended on how good things were going for others. If others are healthy and happy – I deserve to be happy and healthy.
Take an example with FIGGI Beauty: I want FIGGI to be the biggest name in sensitive skincare; I want to make millions of dollars to change the face of mental health on my own terms. If I rely on sponsors, donor funds, and kindnesses, I will always be barred by their politics, restrictions, and red tape. I want to do it on my own terms. If I read this back to myself, I get an almost creepy, uncomfortable feeling underneath my skin. How can you want that? How can you want the money, of all things? The root of everything materialistic. This feels worse because I come from a service and humanitarian background. Adding to this, the fact that I was raised to understand money has terrible connotations: greed, selfishness, it does not buy happiness, money isn’t everything – I could go on. It just makes these wants and desires so much more repugnant.
Does wanting not also mean that you are never pleased? You are always wanting. You get A, and now you want B. You have C, but now you are stuck in wanting D? So many confusing ways to look at this for a brain already over-extended by the bombshell revolution that you can actually deserve something!
I always felt that my right to deserve things solely depended on how good things were going for others. If others are healthy and happy – I deserve to be happy and healthy. If everyone in my life is in a good space and relationship, then I will deserve this too. I was so busy worrying about people and things outside of my own needs and control I never stopped for a second to think how depleted I was. If I am depleted, I have nothing to give, no encouragement to bestow, no money to lend to others, no jobs to offer those in need, etc.
This is a new stage of growth I am slowly working toward mastering. It’s been a difficult concept to wrap my mind around and often leaves me full of guilt. However, I have decided that I am putting myself into the role of “leading lady of my own life.” Whatever that may look like. However, it would be nice to have a director calling the scenes and shots when I inevitably start doubting my value and deservedness again 😊.
Self-doubt, a deep need to do things the right way, and make a real difference all contribute to the conundrum of being “deserving.”
When I started retracing my steps, I was shocked to see how many limiting beliefs I have and how deeply these influence my life and career. I had always given without exception, helped where possible, and given when I had nothing left. This suited me, which is a significant reason why I was in human rights for a long time. But where does that leave you if you’re constantly building your own goals on the happiness of others?
After some personal reflection, I sincerely believed I would somehow be taking away happiness from others if I was happy. Looking at those around me and realizing that they were not in a happy space made it worse. How can I be happy if someone else is suffering? Underneath all this is the fear of wanting more because you are afraid it will be taken away from you. What does this all come down to for me? Living my life in the wanting, the waiting? Letting life pass me by as I sit on the sidelines rooting for others while I haphazardly slap some attention on my needs when they throw a temper tantrum. Only a little, though, just enough attention to get them to shut up for another few months.
Self-doubt, a deep need to do things the right way, and make a real difference all contribute to the conundrum of being “deserving.” I deserve to have dreams, clear goals, and wants. Now, if only my soul would get on board with this message.
It’s such an essential thing, right? Goals, wants, needs, desires. Yet it can be so complicated and unattainable once the conscience gets involved. The nature of business is profit. The nature of helping and giving is the funds to make it happen. The nature of happiness is being at peace with the Self. How can this be so complicated?
Do you have limiting beliefs, and have you found yourself in this position before? Can you share any personal stories, tips, or guidance with me on my journey?
Love and Light
Jeanne
